Thursday, July 4, 2013

A Snowden's Chance in Hell

Since today is the 4th of July and the 237th birthday of our dear, sweet US of A, I thought I would weigh in on the hailstorm that is Edward Snowden. 

So, good ol' Eddie boy has taken it upon himself to "expose" the U.S. and the dirty practices that go on behind the scenes in which they may be listening to our calls, checking our emails and, Lord forbid, perusing our sexting. Well, here's a newsflash, those f*ckers have always done that! And, so has every other government that has ever existed. Haven't you been watching "Game of Thrones"? In the old days, they used those damn, scary-eyed crows to tattle-tale on everyone! It's the government - it's what they do! They get all up in our business, annoy the piss out of us and then raise our taxes to fund new ways of aggravating us. So, calm down!

(In other words, shut the F up!)

Does he really think he has concocted some genius plan or stumbled into a new way of thinking? Surely not! What he has done is throw away a house in Hawaii and a job in which he was making between $140-200k a year for an uncomfortable airport lounge in Moscow with his greatest hope being that he gets asylum in Bolivia! Now - how am I supposed to support somebody that stupid?

(Welcome to Bolivia, my little gringo! I hope you brought a flute and alpaca.)

I am starting to think that this and the whole WikiLeaks fiasco is more about celebrity and propaganda than it is about actual, tangible knowledge being shared with the masses. While I don't feel that we should remain dumb to the ways of the world, there are some things that are best left unknown because when they are learned - others may use it against us. And, that makes an already tumultuous world all the more scary.

In short, we live in an age of extreme terrorism in which transactions, communications and ideas are shared across the world wide web. No one is safe or immune to its reaches - so, if the government wants to stalk my internet usage, my phone calls or anything else - feel free, because you will have the most boring job in the world, but I'll salute you every step of the way. 

(Julian Assange? Or, a more feminine version of actress Tilda Swinton?)

Oh, and Edward...I hear there is a great apple pie store near the Kremlin, you should go there for a slice and to celebrate this day of independence. Errrr, my bad! Well, maybe you can enjoy some beef stroganoff and some vodka. Yeah, that's it! Lots and lots of vodka, that's what I'd be drinking in your situation.

Edward Snowden is stuck (ie, f*cked) but you don't have to be - you could be laughing your way through my first-ever book by clicking here!


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