Wednesday, July 24, 2013

Piper? I Barely Even Know Her!

Now, since I am a non-award-winning author of the awkwardly intriguing book, [while awkwardly aiming for ten] - which you should check out if you haven't yet - I have had the privilege of meeting and getting to know many other authors. People, just like me (but drastically different), who have put their literary hearts on their sleeves and written about their triumphs, tribulations and everything in between. In an effort to help cross-promote the works of these fine people and myself, I've offered up a little, 7 question interview to display their works, quirks and share their literary prowess with the world.

One of those whom I have been lucky enough to get to know - and the willing first interviewee - is the Southern Belle-in-disguise, Piper Faust. Through her debut book, Idiots I've Seen Naked (available now on Amazon!), Piper weaves a tale of long-standing dating life inappropriateness through the book's main character Ava Grace McCrory. We follow Ava - which oddly enough is my mother's name and makes the book even that more inappropriate for me - through her dating (and bedroom) ups-and-downs and the men who stole her heart and then refuse to give it back.

I think my 5 star review on Amazon pretty much sums up how I feel about this book, and how I imagine many others would too. 

"I need to make a couple of things clear: First, I am not an avid reader and second, I do not have a vagina, but neither stopped me from thoroughly enjoying this book. From the sexcapades with some less than loveable characters to the witty one liners and colorful, well-crafted phrases, this book - like Jesus - took the wheel and drove me all the way home. I really did enjoy it and I think anyone would find more than a few laughs along the way. Well done!"

So, with all that out of the way - check out my 7 Questions with Piper Faust that I have creatively titled, "Piper? I Barely Even Know Her!"

1. Tell me more about the inspiration behind your first-ever book, Idiots I've Seen Naked?

Somewhere between receiving a $9.99 hounds-tooth umbrella for Valentines (WITH THE PRICE TAG STILL ATTACHED) and having a guy tell me he wants his excess testicle skin made into a pouch that his future grandchildren can collect arrowheads in, I decided God had to be sending these idiots into my life for a reason!  Why continue to deprive the world of such high quality entertainment?  

2. If you were Ava (the book's main character) which main male character would you go running back to?

I’m tempted to say all three!  Different nights, of course, and for completely different reasons. If you’re limiting me to just one idiot though, it would definitely be Briley Mason! It’s his animal-themed boxers that keep me coming back.  It’s hard to say no to a chicken dribbling a basketball!    

3. Do you plan on writing more - perhaps a sequel in which Ava finds one naked idiot to spend the rest her life with?

One naked idiot for Ava to spend her life with? Not just yet! Ava’s gonna need major therapy and a serious bikini wax before she’s ready to engage in conversation with a member of the opposite sex.  

4. What is the best part about knowing people are reading your words?

Having the opportunity to make my mess my message…an amusing little cautionary tale for anyone who’s about to make the mistake of loving an idiot, a douchebag, or a selfish jerk who’s eat up with dumbass!     

5. What is your favorite cuss word and why?

Bastige!  Not exactly a cuss word, but it still conveys the general consensus of my emotions while allowing me to maintain my dignity as a Southern Belle. 

6. How long did it take you to write this book?

Six months just working on it here and there.  I had already decided to write the book but was having trouble getting started.  One night, I was in the floor of my guest bathroom closet under a pile of pillows and blankets waiting on the tornado sirens to stop going off when I had a moment of literary inspiration!  I was about to be blown away by a Category 4 natural disaster, but, by golly, I was ready to start on my book!  So I whipped my phone out and started texting myself the first lines of my book…and here we are!  

7. If Piper Faust could have one superpower what would it be and why?

Initially, I was thinking I’d like to be invisible so I could go around spying on all my crushes and ex-men, but then with my obsessive compulsive issues, I’m afraid my spy tactics could get a bit addictive.  I’d never get anything accomplished because I’d be too busy spying on losers.  So, I’m pretty sure being able to read men’s thoughts on demand would be the next best superpower! 

So, that wraps it up - quicker than most of the guys in Piper's book! If you know what I mean (and I think you do)! Thanks to Piper Faust for letting me interview her and be sure to check out Idiots I've Seen Naked - which at .99 cents for the Kindle version is a steal! Also, get on board to Twitter and check out her musings there too!

Monday, July 15, 2013

Let's Talk About Sex...

I don't know about you, but when I look at the picture above - I instantly think of sex. Raw, wild, unyielding fornication. I'm talking about slam your hand against the table and beg for the serenity of the sweet baby Jesus kind of humping. "Why?" you ask. Well, for those of you who don't know...this is Dr. Sue Johanson and she, single-handedly (potential pun intended) taught me about the birds, bees and all the nasty things they could do to each other through her classic television shows "Talk Sex" and "The Sunday Night Sex Show".

(Spoiler Alert: That a'int no popsicle!)

I first came to know Sue when I went to Toronto with my aunt and uncle on a vacation. We were in the hotel room and they flicked on the tv, expecting a quiet, mundane American sitcom dubbed in a Canadian accent. What we found was very different. Emblazoned across the screen, we saw an elderly woman with a dildo strapped to her chin explaining the "ins and outs" (pun blatantly intended) of lesbian intercourse. 

In shock, my aunt and uncle turned off the tv and we all went to sleep. But, in that moment, I knew I had a new found friend in Dr. Sue. Upon coming home and internet stalking her like mad, I realized that her little, Canadian chat show had been picked up by everyone's favorite American television network, Oxygen. Why? Because it was breathing fresh air into my life! No, because Oxygen was a "channel for women" and women are perverts. It's been documented - just do your research.

(Sue explaining some proper techniques on knitting or crocheting or something like that, I'm sure.)

My favorite segment of Sue's shows was when she took viewer's calls. Whenever the viewer used a crass term for a sexual act, Sue would give a gentle laugh and then explain the medical term in graphic detail. So graphic that I would turn the volume down really low and listen for Mom's footsteps. The last thing I needed was my mom getting some ideas and trying to go make me another sibling! 

(Sue performing her rendition of The Bee Gee's classic, "How Deep is your Love?")

I randomly remembered Sue the other day and the countless hours of joy and educational porn that she brought me. Upon wikipedia'ing her for an update, I learned that she is now 83 years young and still going on tour giving presentations about all sorts of "beasts with two backs" behaviors, and I salute her. If it weren't for Dr. Sue Johanson - I'd still giggle like a pre-pubescent girl every time someone said, "cunnilingus". Oh, wait...


Want to check out something even more awkward than this post? Check out my first ever book, [while awkwardly aiming for ten]!

Thursday, July 4, 2013

A Snowden's Chance in Hell

Since today is the 4th of July and the 237th birthday of our dear, sweet US of A, I thought I would weigh in on the hailstorm that is Edward Snowden. 

So, good ol' Eddie boy has taken it upon himself to "expose" the U.S. and the dirty practices that go on behind the scenes in which they may be listening to our calls, checking our emails and, Lord forbid, perusing our sexting. Well, here's a newsflash, those f*ckers have always done that! And, so has every other government that has ever existed. Haven't you been watching "Game of Thrones"? In the old days, they used those damn, scary-eyed crows to tattle-tale on everyone! It's the government - it's what they do! They get all up in our business, annoy the piss out of us and then raise our taxes to fund new ways of aggravating us. So, calm down!

(In other words, shut the F up!)

Does he really think he has concocted some genius plan or stumbled into a new way of thinking? Surely not! What he has done is throw away a house in Hawaii and a job in which he was making between $140-200k a year for an uncomfortable airport lounge in Moscow with his greatest hope being that he gets asylum in Bolivia! Now - how am I supposed to support somebody that stupid?

(Welcome to Bolivia, my little gringo! I hope you brought a flute and alpaca.)

I am starting to think that this and the whole WikiLeaks fiasco is more about celebrity and propaganda than it is about actual, tangible knowledge being shared with the masses. While I don't feel that we should remain dumb to the ways of the world, there are some things that are best left unknown because when they are learned - others may use it against us. And, that makes an already tumultuous world all the more scary.

In short, we live in an age of extreme terrorism in which transactions, communications and ideas are shared across the world wide web. No one is safe or immune to its reaches - so, if the government wants to stalk my internet usage, my phone calls or anything else - feel free, because you will have the most boring job in the world, but I'll salute you every step of the way. 

(Julian Assange? Or, a more feminine version of actress Tilda Swinton?)

Oh, and Edward...I hear there is a great apple pie store near the Kremlin, you should go there for a slice and to celebrate this day of independence. Errrr, my bad! Well, maybe you can enjoy some beef stroganoff and some vodka. Yeah, that's it! Lots and lots of vodka, that's what I'd be drinking in your situation.

Edward Snowden is stuck (ie, f*cked) but you don't have to be - you could be laughing your way through my first-ever book by clicking here!

Tuesday, July 2, 2013

Grin and Drop Bear It

Everything about Australia can kill you. The extreme landscapes, the vast ocean currents, the herpes-filled streetwalkers but nothing more so than its insane, animal life. There are deadly snakes, psycho camels and even a tiny, little octopus that can knock you out in seconds flat. But, for me, there is nothing scarier than the elusive drop bear.

It's, apparently, a cousin of the koala but mixed with Tasmanian Devil and literally jumps out of trees and attacks feverishly before you ever even know what has happened to you. I found the article posted below (hereand wanted to share it with everyone who may never have heard of this insanely dangerous animal but I can bet, you won't soon forget!

Drop bears are less likely to attack people with Australian accents, according to experts at the University of Tasmania.
The study, conducted in a drop-bear hot-spot in New South Wales, aimed to gather data around the behaviour and ecology of the elusive species.
There has been relatively little scientific research into the drop bear (Thylarctos plummetus), which the Australian Museum describes as a "large, arboreal, predatory marsupial related to the koala." Populations are thought mainly to exist in forested coastal regions of eastern and southern Australia, stretching from the Cape York Peninsula to Tasmania.

Tracking drop bear behaviour

Dr Volker Janssen, a research associate at the University of Tasmania, led a research team into Morton National Park, 120km south-west of Sydney, in search of drop bears.
Given that ordinary GPS tracking is difficult to apply to tree-dwelling animals, Volker came up with a new approach to study the animal’s behaviour. “It involves tracking the prey, rather than the predator. The location and timing of attacks is then used to map the animal population,” he says.
Members of the research team were tracked using GPS devices, and dispersed in the study area. The findings, published in the journal Australian Geographer, have revealed that six drop bears inhabit the study area.
"Drop bears are known to be very territorial," says Volker. "They do not stray far from a relatively small number of trees in close proximity that are used as hunting ground."

Australians less likely to suffer attacks from drop bears

In a second study sample, a number of Australian-born research assistants were monitored and their data compared to that of assistants of international descent. Statistically, the results suggest that people born in Australia are significantly less likely to be attacked by drop bears.

“The analysis has provided valuable insights into the animal’s hunting behaviour,” Volker told Australian Geographic. “It has been confirmed that foreigners are much more likely to be dropped on than Australians.”
Volker attributes this selective behaviour to a number of factors, the most significant of which relates to Australian people’s taste for Vegemite.
“By-products of the interaction between chemicals found in Vegemite and those found in human sweat repel drop bears,” Volker says. “Most Australians eat Vegemite at least once a day, so they permanently exude these chemicals through their skin and are thus protected.”
Drop bears are also thought to be able to discern Australian accents, and seem to be less likely to attack people who have them.

How to avoid drop bears

“While drop bears are now not as common as they used to be, there have been many sightings of them over the years, mainly by bushwalkers hiking off the beaten track,” Volker says.
According to previous studies, drop bears hunt by ambushing ground-dwelling animals from above. Once prey is within striking range, he says, the drop bear will plummet several metres out of the tree, skilfully latching onto the neck of its victim.
“Drop bears do not specifically target human beings, but there have been several cases where bushwalkers have fallen victim to drop bear attacks, resulting in serious lacerations and even death.”
Volker suggests several methods bushwalkers can adopt to defend against potential drop bear attacks. These include wearing forks in the hair, spreading Vegemite behind the ears or under the armpits, and even urinating on oneself, to deter the species.
Further study may raise awareness for the species, which is believed to be in decline.
"The drop bear is a peculiar and uniquely Australian animal," says Volker. "A better understanding of behaviour and ecology will allow us to ensure that a sustainable population is maintained by enhancing conservation efforts."
Find more information about the habits and ecology of drop bears, as well as a distribution map here on the site of the Australian Museum.
Volker says he hopes his journal article is a useful discussion of GPS/GNSS techniques in ecology, and also an example for students of how to put together a research paper.

(As you can see on the map of their locations - Sydney is in the heart of drop bear territory and I literally peer into the trees as I walk under every single day.)

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