Ok, so the stuff written below is literally my first, offensive, stream of conscience attempt at writing for my stand up performance. I get it - some of the stuff is really inappropriate and I apologize in advance but it's all just part of the process. It's just a creative outline to get out the crazy - so, simmer down and look away now if you are feeling judgemental today.
You know, it’s funny that I am even up here doing this because I hate public speaking. I hate it. Weeks in advance before it’s coming, I start to get the twinges of anxiety. I’ll be lying in bed, start to sweat a little and then instantly run to my safe place in the shower. There’s something about getting in the shower that literally washes away the stress of the day. It’s also a great place to cry. It’s the perfect place actually, it’s tiny…most of the time you get to be alone, unless you have a really insecure gym session and need a quick emotional pick-me-up in a public shower. As the water streams down your face and mixes with the tears – you don’t have to admit to yourself that you’re crying. I don’t know if it’s tears or water running down my face and that leaves me feeling a little bit more secure about who I am as a person.
So, needless to say, I am super clean tonight because I have had literally 4 showers today and I will tell you that I have purged so much emotion about tonight. When I jumped in the shower earlier, I was nervous, scared, insecure but I stayed in so long that as the hot water started to run cold, I became intrigued, excited and quite erect. I mean, it’s just one of those things that happens in a shower. It’s natural. So, after, quite literally, beating my nervousness away – I’m here tonight with you fine people! Woooooo.
It’s funny though – so, I sign up for this comedy course, I mean, I paid to be here. I paid to conquer this fear - for this torture. But, I never gave the end result much thought until right now, as I feel my knees shaking and just a tiny dribble of urine streaming down my thigh. And, it’s stupid, right? The class is called “stand up comedy” - obviously it implies that I will, at some point, have to speak in public and, not only that, I’ll have to be funny.
So, while I am up here trying to be witty…I’m trying to do all the tricks people teach you about public speaking – pretend that your talking to only one person in the room, focus on a light in the back, imagine all of you naked. But, the problem with the last one is that I have an extreme body hair phobia – like, when I moved into my current apartment the former tenant was a female with long, jet-black hair and after 6 months, there are still f-cking full grow, Addam’s Family Cousin It hairs that walk out of the shower sometimes. And, I don’t know if you have looked around the room tonight but a lot of you here, I’m gonna be honest, look like extras from The Hobbit. So, God knows what sort of Sasquatch/Bigfoot kind of coat of hair you got going on below the belt.
In reality though, I am panicked about this performance but I’m doing this because trying “stand up” is a dream of mine. I know, right? How f-cking sad is that? My life’s dream has been to stand on a makeshift stage in front of a bunch of drunks and wait to be harassed. But, it’s personal for me…because it reminds of my childhood. When I was around 4 or 5, I remember walking through the smoke-filled club as people were drinking and laughing and I’d look up and see my mom. She had the crowd in the palm of her hand as she lingered on all fours, gyrating to a Bon Jovi song, and as she clinched a 5 dollar bill between her teeth, I thought, “one day – I want to feel that level of shame”. And, here I am.
So, anyways – we’ve been taking this class for the last month and delving into what makes us funny and there are moments when I would just stare blankly at the paper. Not one funny thought would enter my brain while the other students were being witty, funny, clever and every time the teacher, Rob asked us to come up with a line – my mind instantly went straight to the gutter. Like, I get that crudeness can be funny and it is necessary to humor but how many times can one person internally laugh at the term “fisting” before he really starts to question who he is. Like, I get that a lot of people are into it and by the amount of bruised hands and limping people here tonight – I’d assume this crowd has an above-average ratio. But, it’s generally not socially acceptable to discuss. But, for me, I like to roll with the punches and tackle the hard hitting topics.
It's like, you know when someone runs up to you and goes, “OMG – you’ll never guess what happened to me?” I always want to respond, with the same level of excitement, “You got fisted?” and just wait to see their response. Because the thing is…generally, when people say that phrase “OMG, you’ll never guess what happened to me?” I probably could guess what happened because it’s normally not all that exciting. I could say stuff like, ”OMG you bought a puppy!”, “Oh wow, you got a raise!”, “OMG – the herpes outbreak is finally gone?” But, I literally would never expect someone to exclaim that they had just been fisted – so, I like just toss it out there and see how they respond. If they laugh or otherwise engage me, I know we are good to go as friends. If they look disgusted – it’s probably just because their loose @$$ got called out.
(We actually had an assignment in which the teacher gave us an example to write a joke about a ventriloquist…now, how am I supposed to avoid a fisting joke there? Literally, he placed a potentially crude comment directly into my hand.)
Here go into Aussie slang (fanny) and the American slang term “Double fisting” and how Aussies never get it.
If they hate it - I could say, "Ohhh it's funny you all aren’t laughing! Apparently, you can take a fist but not a joke?"
Ok, so...you've read it. You may or may not be hating me but please, give me your opinion. As I said, it's literally my first try and keep in mind that this content will be spoken and delivered in an animated fashion beyond just words on a page. So, please, leave comments below, here on this page, and let me know your thoughts. All feedback is appreciated. And, why not check out my book by click here? Everybody needs a little stuck.at.seven!