Friday, May 10, 2013

Best Face Forward


There are people who say that beauty comes in all shapes and sizes. However, none of those people happen to be affiliated with the clothing brand, Abercrombie and Fitch. The love child of Gary Busey and the Jolly Green Giant pictured above is Mike Jeffries, CEO and Head of Douchebaggery for Abercrombie and Fitch. I want you to look closely at the poorly-molded, plastic face of this man and know that if you are not skinny, tanned and desperately holding on to the last phases of puberty, is he probably so over you. Like, totally.

In the article linked here, Mikey boy goes on about how his brand does not cater to "ugly" or "fat" people and, because of that, XL and XXL sizes are not offered for girls and only offered to boys because some of the "hot" ones may play sports and be built bigger. To that I say, F off! 

Statements like that and the existence of brands who carry this sort of image obsessed mentality are the reason young girls, dressed in super cute A&F shorts are vomiting into toilets after eating, while their chubby friends hold their hair back and hope they don't spew on their $9 Targ├ęt (say it the French way) XL top.



(OMG! This ad is so fun and totally shows off their amazing products! You know, like the hands that they sell or the sultry, half-smiles available on discount in the back.)

Now, let me be fair for a second. There is something to be said for a marketing tactic that wants to cater to a very detailed, specific market and I don't have a problem with the company aiming to attract those people. However, the problem is when you blast people who don't fit that criteria for something that, in many ways, they can't control.  

This exclusivity is yet again a statement on American culture, and where our values lie. We see a cute, blonde girl splashing around in the waves as a shirtless 18-year-old with well-sculpted abs carries her off into the sunset (all set in a black and white photo to make it seem more dramatic) and somehow we give these people value and therefore, decrease our own based purely on physical attributes.

For fans of this clothing line, the reality check is this. You may be a high school god or goddess now, but you need to wake up and be humble. The day is just lurking around the corner when you are going to become fat and jaded, and the less judgmental you are right now, the less people are going to revel in your fall from grace at your high school reunion in 10 years. Do you know how few people keep their "cool" status after high school? Very few and, if I were good at math, I'd give you some arbitrary figure to prove it but I am not, so just trust me on this one! 

Slowly but surely, nobody cares about that "cool" junk after you leave the confines of like, the best high school EVER! Soon, you'll be wearing the finest shirt that the Jacqueline Smith collection from K-Mart has to offer or the elastic waistband khakis from Sears for your job interview at Rent-A-Center, just like every other former high school beauty queen and prom king.


(Santa called and he wants his capes back, please!)

It could be argued that I am just bitter. And, I am. I've never had abs, I've never had a clothing budget that would allow such frivolous purchases and more so, I have never had the attention span to shop in a store with lighting levels that resemble a brothel and music blaring so loudly my ear drums just give up and say "man, f*ck this!"

So, if you want to continue to keep putting cash into the pockets of narcissistic, over-rated brands who do nothing for society, you go on and do it. In the meantime, I need to go order Season 4 of "Keepin' Up with the Kardashians" on Amazon.


(A face only a mongrel could love!)

Oh yeah, and while you're at Amazon shopping and making unnecessary purchase - you should make a necessary one! My first ever book, "stuck.at.seven [while awkwardly aiming for ten]" - check it out here!





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