Saturday, April 27, 2013

A Little Perspective

The photo above was not part of a mock photo shoot but rather one, random snap that took place in a moment in time. I was naturally standing against a rail peering out into the distance pondering life and all its glory when I turned around to see someone holding a camera in front of me. Before I had time to fix my tie or remove my hand from casually resting in my pocket, I saw the flash go off and now, what you see (after using a plethora of photo editing tools) is what you get.

The thing is, this photo is safe. It's controlled. It's my way of putting myself out there in a way that may be slightly manipulated but makes my fragile self-esteem stay relatively intact thanks to a little bit of glue and a whole lot of medication. What I can't control however is my book and the reviews and comments that are slowly trickling in.

When I wrote the book, I didn't think it was going to be an award winning collection of short stories from one of the world's best undiscovered talents. No! Of course not! I expected people to slowly start to connect with it and then, after 30-35 days, I would receive a contract from a top, Hollywood agent and I'd be on my way to literary and sitcom fame. But, here I sit on my couch with a stain of Coke Zero on my shirt and the remnants of hope lingering in my heart.

Throughout the past couple of days though some people have been weighing in their opinions and, good or bad, I respect them. People are seeing glimmers of potential in the writing and that is way more than I could have hoped for. So, my haters are my motivators - my lovers are procrastinators. I don't know...I made that last part up and it sounds a little too risqué and slutty for my liking but I am not clever enough in this moment to change it, but you get the point.

First up, is a guest blog that I did for the very funny and successful author, Stephanie McAfee. You can check it out here and while searching around, look into Stephanie's book series. Creative, clever and down right Southern charmingly fun - Stephanie has a good spirit and a knack with writing that has really resonated in the literary world.

Then, I got a random alert that someone had written about my book from Before Sunrise Press. I was pleasantly surprised because I had never heard of them, so it was good to see that the book was getting around; however, they give it mixed feedback. But, overall, they rank the book 7 out of 10. So, I can't be mad at that! Check out the review here - I think it's actually quite fair and paid me enough compliments to keep me from crying in the shower.

Last, but not least, is an upcoming review from Booktuber (Youtubers who review books) "Jesse the Reader". Jesse's youtube channel was shared with me by a friend who recommended that I reach out to him because he is fun, clever and gives fair reviews, so I did that and Jesse has been cool enough to take a look and will give a review sometime in May. So, I will continue to take Xanax until that comes out so I can see if he hates it or loves it. In the video that you can see here, he mentions it briefly and how he'll be reviewing it soon. If you enjoy books and creatively edited videos, "subscribe" to his channel and support his efforts.

So, that's it...I continue to push forward and then wait. The book is still newly out and a lot more people have purchased and read it than I ever expected, so I can't complain. But, I do remain delusional enough to think I can do more. So, I'll continue to stick to it. In the meantime though, I need some ice cream cake to cope with waiting for my phone to ring from Hollywood!

Thursday, April 18, 2013

Sheep On, Sheepin' On...

If you ask the average Australian what they think of a New Zealander, he will most likely say, "They're nothing but a bunch of sheep f*ckers, mate!" And, while that may be true and would - in many cases -explain that odd bahhhh that sneaks into their accent every now and then, the Kiwis (as they are affectionately known) are a lot more than that.

In fact, just this week, the New Zealand parliament joined the modern world and voted in favor of marriage equality - placing the Kiwis (from a human rights point of view) well above many nations that like to see themselves as more evolved. In fact, the Kiwis have always been leaders in equality - women got the right to vote early on, indigenous cultures were allowed to flourish, and they even were the first country to accept Anna Paquin - long before she was that fang-banging Sookie Stackhouse.

(Before the vampire three-ways, she was just a little Kiwi lass with a piano)

Now, while the majority of Kiwis celebrate this tremendous moment in world history, many have spoken out and think that this will take away from the sanctity of marriage. One man even pointed out that now, maybe animals can get married too. And, honestly, I am sure the open-minded Kiwis are down with that. Now, any Kiwi should be able to wed the sheep (male or female) of their dreams.

I'd like to imagine that in the coming days an iPhone app will be developed for the sheep-attracted population of New Zealand to find other like-minded individuals within their region. It'll be called "Shear'r" and a wide variety of fantasies and encounters can be arranged with the push of a button. Like with this handsome fella below...

 Bahhhd Boi 69

 7 inches - thick - un-sheared
    Lookin 4 h0t time in outd00rs (sorry - no Asians)

And, luckily for the Kiwis, the English language has never involved enough to differentiate between sheep (singular) and sheep (plural) - so, one could accidentally plan a sexual escapade thinking he was about to get just one sheep and lo and behold, he walks into the room only to be confronted by a whole slutty flock just waiting for the right man to take them into shear ecstasy. You see, the possibilities are endless.

In short though, congratulations New Zealand - you've maintained your status as a global trailblazer. Leading the way for your people and for your world region to be more open, accepting and most importantly, equal. So, with that said, keep up the good work, you sheep f*ckers!

(Drop it like it's hot!)

If you'd like to read more of my stuff, check out my first ever book on Amazon now!

Wednesday, April 10, 2013

This is a Pant-Free Zone

Sometimes, you just gotta break free. You walk into a room, you pull your best 'Magic Mike' thrust and you rip those godforsaken pants right off of your lower body. That, is the exact opposite of what happened at my first ever "No Pants Party" on the weekend.

Now, I get that the title may sound a little risqué and make you envision groups of people swarming together in an entanglement of hot, sweaty passion. However, I can assure you that the only time I got hot and sweaty was after I had eaten too much pizza and washed it down with not 1, not 2, but 5 pieces of chocolate. It's amazing how much one perspires when trying not to vomit from his poorly concocted culinary cocktail in the presence of others.

So, for future reference...if you ever want to throw your own "No Pants Party", you have to specify some rules from the onset. Follow these three easy-to-remember steps and you too can be pant-less amongst friends in no time flat.

1. Only close friends can be invited.

(Sorry Clint - I mean, you're cool and all, but I don't really know you like that.)

2. "No pants" does not equal "no underwear." 

(If a random willy or overzealous labia creep out - the party is over. Kaput!)

3. An optional activity is to add a hat. I am not sure why, but it was on the invite. 

(In general, if it works for Donald Duck - it works for me.)

And, if you act now - you can receive your free starter kit. The kit includes: a crisp, fresh pair of non-gender specific underwear, a bedazzled cap and a barrel of self-esteem (and/or anti-depressants) to get you through the night. Supplies limited, so call now!

Be sure to check out my first ever book, [while awkwardly aiming for ten] by clicking here and, please like me on Facebook!

Thursday, April 4, 2013


19 years ago yesterday was Easter Sunday.  For a few weeks prior to that day, my middle brother, Joe (back then, he was called Joey or Mama's little mistake) and I had been playing a pranking contest between the two of us.  We'd run up to the other and announce, in a frantic tone, that our very pregnant mother's water had broken. We'd watch as the other scrambled and prepared to go to the hospital only for the other one to give up the fact that he was just kidding. It normally resulted in one of us gloating, and the other crying.

On Easter night at around 10pm, we were all full from the fried foods and chocolate that make up a Southern holiday tradition. Dad was asleep in bed and Joe, Mom and I were sitting in the living room watching a tv show. During the commercial break, Mom went to go to the bathroom and Joe and I stayed watching the ads. A few minutes later, Joe walked down the hall to check on Mom and seconds later, he runs up and says, "Mom's water broke! The baby is coming!" I politely asked that he shut the $&^% up because I was trying to watch tv, but then he ran passed me into Mom and Dad's bedroom and jumped on the bed. When he woke up Dad - I knew that $#1) had just got real. You don't wake up a hibernating bear - no matter how badly you want to win a pranking contest.

Dad hopped out of bed so quickly I thought he had received a text message telling him that the "Hot - Fresh - Now" doughnut sign had turned on at Krispy Kreme. He slammed through the house to the bathroom and Joe and I followed nervously along. There we all found Mom saying, "I need some underwear! Where are my underwear?" I wanted to respond, "You see - if you had kept those damn underwear on we wouldn't be in this mess!" But, I thought it best to save that for a later conversation.

Dad whisked us all away to the hospital where my mother remained adamant that with this child, she would have a natural birth - no being poked and prodded and then ripped open at the seams to allow another fat baby to enter the world. So, after 20 some-odd hours of pushing, crying, screaming, getting on all fours in an effort to release that baby and then crying some more - my mother fulfilled her stupid, lifelong dream of forcing a child into this world naturally.  Her dedication was rewarded with urinating on herself and 30 or so stitches.

For hours, Joe and I had sat anxiously in the waiting room and finally, Dad came and told us we could come back. I remember entering the room and seeing the pale legs of a newborn flapping around. His worm-like umbilical cord protruded from his stomach and his hair-covered head was shaped like a perfect cone. I charmingly asked, "What's wrong with his head?" and they explained that his head had taken that shape because my mom was in labor for so long, and that it would eventually go away. What won't go away however, is the photographic memory that I now have of my baby brother's skull molded into the form of my mother's vagina.

As they brought his slimy, little body over to me and placed him in my arms - I fell in love instantly. And today, we celebrate his 19 years on this planet. His cute, little cone head has now formed into just a plain big-ass head and I still love him. So, Happy Birthday to my baby brother, Andrew. I have been proud of you from the moment you entered this world and even prouder today of the man you have become. I love you.

(To read more writings from me, please check out my first ever book " [while awkwardly aiming for ten]" - now on Amazon!)

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