Wednesday, March 27, 2013

Side (Eye) of Salsa



On Sunday night, I went to an event to watch people compete their little hearts out in a salsa competition. First of all, I felt betrayed. When I heard the words "salsa competition", my mind instantly went to a place in which I would be seated on a bar stool surrounded by copious amounts of diced tomatoes with just enough zing to make my sandpaper tongue come to life. I'd then eat my way into a Mexican passport and live happily ever after with my donkey and a poncho. You can imagine my disappointment when what I found was a bunch of sweaty Caucasians, who were certified in Zumba, taking to the stage.

After watching couple by couple thrust their hips, bob their heads and glow of sweat, I decided to turn the porn off of my iPhone and pay attention to the dancing happening right in front of me. Eight groups of two were all piled onto a tiny stage at once, just begging for the love and adoration of the crowd. Doing everything they could to win votes and claim the prize of being a mediocre, random-bar dance legend, they twirled, kicked and caressed their bodies through perfectly sewn-together matching costumes. It was like Dancing with the Stars - without the stars. Which is basically, Dancing with the Stars.

There was this one couple though who I decided to hate. As I had entered the place, they were rehearsing in the middle of the path to enter and the woman did a spin-hair flip combo and almost cut my face with her straw-like mane. She didn't apologize or anything, she just kept spinning an inch away from my face. As her hair gently trickled across my brow, I imagined myself reverting to a Tonya Harding-like mentality and clubbing her in the knee. I'd then watch as she fell to the floor, crying away her dreams of dancing success.
But, I didn't. I'm too pretty for prison. 

My unnecessary disdain then turned to the guy. He weighed about 48 pounds and had chosen to wear a flowy, all-white number that I am sure allowed ample ventilation to the science-class skeleton frame that lurked just underneath. When he took a break from rehearsing, I saw him lean against a wall. He then, literally, stuck his head between his legs and pulled some sort of contorted yoga moves that were last featured in any random Halloween film in which an exorcism is performed.

At this point, with a belly lacking a delicious tomato paste-y wholesomeness, I decided to call it quits. I can watch dancing, I can watch stupidity (sidenote: check out any of my youtube videos) but I can not watch a grown man stick his head so far between his legs that he could have given a visual play-by-play of his own colonoscopy. It's not normal. It's not a part of God's plan, and I won't stand for it.

To check out more "stuck.at.seven", please "like" my Facebook page OR check out my first ever book on Amazon!






Tuesday, March 19, 2013

Slim Gym


Since I went to Asia in December, I have made up every excuse in the book to avoid sweating. I would pack a gym bag everyday, carry it to work and then I would cough on a sip of water and think, "Oh God - with this asthma acting up like this it's best that I just sit here and eat some Doritos. I'll start back tomorrow!" Well, tomorrow turned into 3 months.

But, today - today was the day that I returned, and it was an epic fail. Firstly, my intentions were to use the elliptical for an hour - which really would have been 30 minutes at best - but then I forgot my iPod at home. I obviously can't be left with my own thoughts for that long so I almost cancelled, but no. I decided to take a Body Pump class. That's when sh!t got real.

So, I was 10 minutes too early which gave me just enough time to ponder a Big Mac but I stayed strong. I got my weights together and positioned myself towards the back of the class. As soon as the first track started and the overzealous instructor yelled, "Come on - we are CHANGING our bodies today!" I thought, "F this! I barely had the strength to change my underwear this morning." Begrudgingly though, I carried on through the class, watching women twice my age and half my weight squat, lunge and pump their way to mediocre.

As soon as the class ended, I ran straight for the locker room. I need to be honest - I hate locker rooms. I hate the smell, the people, the mirrors. I hate it all. But, there are two things I hate more than anything else. First, I hate the fact that this locker room has around 300 lockers and it never effin fails that the one guy who has a locker next to mine has the physique of Adonis. As my twig-like arms are fighting frantically to fit through the holes of my shirt before anyone can catch a glimpse of nipple-lodeon, he struts around bouncing nickels off of his abs. Even worse though is my second issue, and that is of the random guy who inevitably is rubbing his balls down like they have been soaked by Niagara Falls. Just wiping and wiping away as if they have been drenched by a personal crotch hurricane. Today, a man had his leg cocked (no pun intended) up on a bench and was just flossing away between his legs as if he were attempting to circumsize himself with the help of friction and a cotton-blend towel. As he continued to chat away with his buddies and chaff his inner thighs, I ran out and prayed for my eyes to un-see what they had just seen.

So now, after that stressful foray back into the jungle gym of insecurity, I sit here with a smile on my face that can only be due to the joy that comes from a stomach full of Whopper, fries and naturally, a Coke Zero. Will I go back to the gym? Yes, of course, I will. My membership was signed in blood, and there is a brand new taco shop opened next to it.


(Did he swallow a cloud? What the hell kind of shape is this?)


Check out my first ever book on Amazon and like me on Facebook!

Sunday, March 17, 2013

It's Here!


When I was little, beyond playing with my small package pictured above, I told my mom that one day I'd write a book. That one day, all of the craziness that surrounded my life would be put to good use and channeled into a creative outlet for the world (ie, the 8 of you reading this) to enjoy.

Well, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls - after much hard work and the trepidation that comes along with fearing judgment, that day has come. I can now let you know that the print edition of "stuck.at.seven [while awkwardly aiming for ten]" is available for purchase!  Real, live and gloriously bound by the finest machines your eyes have ever seen!

You can purchase it on CreateSpace by clicking here or Amazon by clicking here! (This is good for anyone except people in the UK - see below.)

For my friends in the UK, click here to get it through Amazon's UK website.

When it comes to shipping, if you go through the CreateSpace link, it does come out just a bit cheaper for you - so, just some food for thought.

The eBook response and reviews have far surpassed my expectations and I can only hope that you enjoy the print version as much. To all of you who have supported this idea along the way - thank you so much. I sincerely appreciate it.

Now, get to laughing...

(Plus, like me on Facebook here!)






Wednesday, March 13, 2013

Exposed.

This week has been a bi-polar fiesta of emotions for me. Beyond being incredibly sick with, what is now, a double ear infection, I released the book. Exposing yourself through a project is never an easy thing to do. You work so hard and ultimately, some people will like it, some will hate it and most will lie to pacify your fragile self-esteem. For that, I thank you.

Each day, I wake up to check the reporting mechanisms on Amazon and Smashwords to see how the book is doing and I feel like I am in one of those weird dreams where you are standing naked in front of your classroom. Open and exposed as everyone points and laughs at the minuscule package that you call genitals, you quietly want to sink into the oblivion. But no, it's now out there - so, you might as well just lean back and helicopter that thing around until everyone learns to appreciate it. Again, this is a metaphor for the book - nothing more.

So, four days later, as I wake up to the usual 'Sad Sunday' antics, I continue my journey. Desperately sending off emails, tweets, etc. trying to get people to check out the book because if I am going to do it, I am going to try my hardest. I just hope that my hardest doesn't involve the need for upper body strength.

If you enjoy this blog and/or the book, please "like" it on Facebook here. Thank you.






Sunday, March 10, 2013

Feeling Sporty?


I try to be a good gym person. I begrudgingly go and work my asthmatic lungs to the brink of collapse, but because of all of the brutes walking around I tend to go hyper-insecure as I compare my twig arms to their massive bicep mountains. So, I've considered getting a personal trainer, but no luck yet!  However, there's still hope! Check out the below message from my friend, Matthew Doggart, who is willing and ready to help you meet your goals on your schedule.

Something has happened to me during my travels for work and it’s not pleasing to hear. I have walked into two coffee establishments and been met with a long, exhausting and somewhat tedious wait to be served. Both times an old lady has been in front of me slowly shuffling herself without a care in the world towards the till at approximately - 1mph. As you can tell, this does not bother me so much (cough) however, what was about to happen to me soon will do.  I have always been referred to as the ‘young one’ and to be honest, have taken great pride in this. Now I feel this is not the case. As the old lady shouted (probably due to her lack of hearing) that she would like an Americano with milk, she suddenly realised she had no money...At this point in time, my heart started racing to somewhat counteract her slow movements and I genuinely felt that this was my time to become a hero. I could now imagine the silent gentlemen nods of appreciation and the glistening looks of the ladies as I boldly step forward with the correct change when suddenly, before I have time to reap the glory, a younger and much better looking man gave the lady behind the counter some money and said very profoundly, ‘Let me get this for you please’... As you can imagine I felt shattered and broke...just like the old lady was. My heart at this point is no longer racing with excitement but rather slowing down to a dull, rhythmic beat signifying my life flashing before anguished eyes. As the old lady thanked the man repeatedly (probably again due to her lack of hearing) she then looked at me as if to say ‘this could have been YOUR moment’...well that’s what I read in to it as anyway. The young man left, as did the old hag, I mean lady, with her free coffee and all I have to distract me is enough change in my slow loving hands for now two coffees and a lady saying behind a counter ‘what would you like?’...I almost told her that I would of liked to turn back time and be hero just now, but I was wasting my breathe so I simply replied with ‘just an ordinary coffee’ while thinking to myself, because that’s all you’re worth...
This day was then exactly repeated in the order of events however, the younger and soon to be much loved boy who helped the previous day was at it again in another coffee place! I honestly could not believe my now angered eyes and think he just goes to coffee places and buys old people coffees to satisfy his clearly broken self esteem and ego...you wouldn’t catch me doing it for those reasons - what a loser. 
As you can tell, this turn of events has made me realise two things. Firstly, I am no longer the younger good looking chap who could become a hero when the time called and secondly, I am clearly not fazed or bitter about it...so I suppose we can all learn a life lesson from this and that is simply, have your money in your hand ready at all times because you never know when you will be called in to action. I run a business designing Fitness and Nutritional Programs designed to fit around people’s lifestyles. I am tired of hearing that gyms just give out the same generic regimes and expect people to stay motivated...such fools. For £20 a month I design weekly, tailored regimes that consider everything that you do on a day-to-day schedule. So if you get a call suddenly and have to be somewhere else, then you email me, let me know and I adapt your training schedule for the week to suit it. Life is stressful enough without the hassle of training so make it fun and more importantly, tailored  Hope to hear from you soon!
To learn more, please visit: www.matthewdoggart.co.uk

Thursday, March 7, 2013

Get Stuck Today!


And, to think, it all started with the awkward photo above. Today, ladies and gents, I release to you the eBook version of stuck.at.seven [while awkwardly aiming for ten]. Below though, please check out the video that outlines the book and post that youtube link on your wall.  When you post a link to another FB page, etc. it only allows 12% of your friends to see it but a video is different. I'm being honest, I want to try and make this book go viral (like the infection currently raging in my ear). It has been my dream for a long time and by you supporting me, I would be immensely grateful - so, if you are not cool with it - great but if so, thank you so much!

To get stuck.at.seven [while awkwardly aiming for ten] on Amazon, please click here! This caters to Kindle users and iPhone users with the Kindle app. (If you don't have the Kindle app, go to the app store and search "Kindle" and download it for free.

To get stuck.at.seven [while awkwardly aiming for ten] on Smashwords please click here! This caters to all of the various formats below AND AND AND, if you buy it via Smashwords, I am going to be like Honey Boo Boo's Mama and give you a COUPON CODE!!! When you purchase, please enter FW56S to receive 25% off. This code is good until March 14 and I am happy for you to share it with your friends, cousins, baby's father - whoever!

Format
Online Reading (HTML, good for sampling in web browser)
Kindle (.mobi for Kindle devices and Kindle apps)
Epub (Apple iPad/iBooks, Nook, Sony Reader, Kobo, and most e-reading apps including Stanza, Aldiko, Adobe Digital Editions, others)
PDF (good for reading on PC, or for home printing)
RTF (readable on most word processors)
LRF (Use only for older model Sony Readers that don't support .epub)
Palm Doc (PDB) (for Palm reading devices)
Plain Text (download) (flexible, but lacks much formatting)
Plain Text (view) (viewable as web page)

The key part to all of this PLEASE is that after you purchase the book and read it, PLEASE go back and leave a review.  Click the stars and leave a comment - the more glowing the better but don't be insincere - if you hated it, call me a douche bag and then click 5 stars!

The print version should be out by the end of the month.

Thank you all so much and now let the judgment begin!

If you haven't yet, please like me on Facebook here!




Sunday, March 3, 2013

Ear-itable

I have a theme in life and that is when I get sick, I only do so on a Friday.  I tend to wake up and feel a little extra groggy, a tad more pissed off than usual and with an aching somewhere in my body that let's me know I am about to ruin my weekend. I am not sure if it is a "fake it to make it" mentality, in which I know that I need to get through the work week or it's just the luck of the draw.

And, as you've probably already guessed, that's exactly what has happened this weekend. Friday morning, I got to work and my right ear was completely clogged. I couldn't hear a thing anyone was saying to me. I had to lean in like a Grandpa and kept yelling, "Huh?", "What?" and "Those damn Democrats keep trying to take away my freedoms!" The clogged ear is not an unfamiliar problem because (spoiler alert) I have undeveloped ear canals. I went to the doctor ages ago and he said that my ear canals never developed past puberty and therefore, they are especially small. You could also take that exact same sentence and replace 'ear canals' with 'arms', 'lungs' and 'testicles' and get the same result.

So, Saturday, I awoke to an insane fever and a stabbing pain in my ear. It was as if Britney Spears had chosen to perform live directly in my ear canal.  I went to the medical center across the street and the doctor was touching my ear and almost forcing me to cry in public.  I was in so much pain.  He then kept saying, "You know, you don't need to go swimming!" I said, "I don't swim." He said, "Ok, well no swimming this week for you." I said, "I haven't swum since my family arrived to these shores on a makeshift boat!" He said, "Ok - so remember - no swimming!" He was intent that I was a swimmer and had caused this upon myself.  Luckily, he took mercy and gave me an antibiotic ear drop and pills.

Now, it's Sunday - the weekend is fading away quicker than Christina Aguilera's chance at a career revival and I feel myself perking up a bit.  My ear still feels swollen but for now, the fever has subsided and I'm nourishing my body with a bag of chips and Coke Zero because why not knock it when it's down.

Please "like" my Facebook page by clicking here!  New book comes out on March 7 (eBook) and print version at the end of the month.  Thank you!


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