Saturday, August 18, 2012

White Trash Queen


("...Oh, nothin' sweeter than Summertime and American honey...")

The raspberry jelly dangled precariously over the edge of the peanut butter laden bread as I took a bite down.  It was midnight and sleep had yet to find me.  I had been scouring youtube watching a plethora of "Call Me Maybe" parodies and 47 minutes later, I finally grew bored and decided that I needed something more to entertain me.  So, after several more web searches and the decision to make another sandwich, I finally lead myself to a video that would unleash many scenes that hit close to home.  That video was called: "Episode One - Here Comes Honey Boo Boo Child".

For those of you who don't know, which is probably most of you with self respect and dignity, Honey Boo Boo is a 6 year old beauty queen and now, a reality starlet.  Her family, who lives in the heart of Georgia, represents every Southern stereotype on the planet.  Whether they are rolling in the mud, eating dead animals from the road or making babies in a teenage uterus, they bleed Southern Pride.



(White Trash Royalty - The Honey Boo Boo Family!)

This family is what many of you would called "white trash" but for me, I see them as visual comfort food that I devour intently with my retinas.  As the scenes flashed by, I felt warm and cozy inside because I, too, know the joy of dipping my unwashed feet in the waters of a bacteria filled river. I placed no judgement upon their poor eating habits, open displays of flatulence or inability to properly conjugate verbs, I just simply wanted more.  



(If a dollar makes her holler, one can't help but wonder what a five makes her do.)

I must admit that as I watched Honey Boo Boo in all her glory, I realized that a new era is being ushered in.  The "white trash" way of living is finally grooming a new queen.  One that will take hold and reign supreme over her drunken, faithful following. Long gone are the days of Anna Nicole (may she RIP), Paula Deen (may her career RIP) and dare I say, Britney Spears (may her unwashed hair weave RIP).  

Honey Boo Boo or Alana, as she was anointed at birth, will now lead us all down a path of righteousness and I can only hope that she is capable of bearing that cross. As soon as that child uttered out the words, "A dolla' makes me holla'!", I knew that we were on to something special and finally a voice of reason was here to ensure that the South would rise again.



(It was fun while it lasted, Brit Brit!)

Many have said that Honey Boo Boo is a new aged Savior. And, by many, I mean 3 of the 4 voices within my head. Nonetheless, the world has been waiting on someone to take us out of the doldrums and into prosperity and that person's name is the combination of a sugary bee concoction and a double dose of the phrase that ghosts use to scare us.

So, with her wealth of witty phrases, wide array of fashionable costumes and love for caring for non-gender specific animals, I gladly hail our new Queen.  May she reign barefoot and free!


(In the name of the Father, Son, Honey Boo Boo, Amen!)

Please "like" me on Facebook and Follow me on Twitter.  Thank you!

















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