("...when I look into my nephew's eyes, man you wouldn't believe the most amazing things that can come from some terrible lies...")
I've been betrayed, bamboozled and hoodwinked all in one fell swoop and for that, I blame you, Wal-Mart!
As everyone knows, Baby Jayden made the giant leap into manhood this week by turning one year old. By reaching this milestone, I figured it was time that he grew up and began to embrace plush toys that would sing him to sleep while lighting up.
Because I am his favorite Uncle, I decided to buy him one of the more memorable toys from my childhood and I got him a glow worm. I went to Walmart.com because it is like a beacon to my white trash soul and I ordered a blue glow worm to be mailed to little Jayden in time for his birthday party.
It was delivered to my parents' house and my Mom was going to wrap it for me. I called her to confirm that it had arrived and I could tell that something in her tone was weird but I let it be. I mean, what could go wrong with a glow worm?
The day of his party, I asked that someone post a photo online so that when I awoke on the other side of the world the next morning, I would have a beautiful, smiling photo of my baby nephew holding his fun, new toy.
(Oh wow! Uncle Edmund got me a...)
You can imagine my surprise when I woke to see Jayden awkwardly holding a bright pink glow worm! Someone in Wal-Mart's processing center must have accidentally confused the words and/or his genitals.
(WTF is this bull$#!%?)
I fired out an angry email at 6am using words that shouldn't be typed before the sun rises. Then, I called my Mom. "Mom? You didn't tell me it was pink!" and she responded, "Oh well, I didn't want to upset you!" OHHHH great - so, you let him open it in front of a group of people and then chanted out, "Look what Uncle Edmund got you!" I am sure there were multiple side eye looks and a couple of, "oh no he didnt's" flying around that room.
(OMG! Thanks, Uncle E! Best.Gift.NEVER!)
My Mom tried to quell my frustration by saying, "Oh stop! He loves it. He is laying with it right now!" To which I responded, "Great! It'll match his f*cking dress that is arriving tomorrow!"
(Since his gift sucked, he washed away his sorrows with cake!)
I get it. It doesn't matter. A pink glow worm functions in the same way as a blue glow worm but that's not what I ordered him. I wasn't making a social statement about non-gender specific colors or the conformity that comes from stereotypical male/female roles, I just wanted my baby boy to have a blue glow worm. Instead, now he's laying in a crib somewhere holding on tightly to his own little, pink glow worm.