Sunday, May 15, 2011

"...leave a light on for me..."

In life, we all go through transitional phases. Times in which we move on or move forward or just change for some reason. I don't know what I am going through but I am over it. I just feel anxiety all the time. It is like a constant tremor under the surface of my fragile skin. Slowly quaking and waiting for an outburst.

I feel it and try to control it and try to maintain my thoughts but for some reason, I can't focus. I can't keep my mind and body connected. It's weird because this is nothing new for me but it has been dormant for quite a while and it has come back to humble me yet again.

It's bad because I do not want to harp on the subject like there is something seriously wrong but I need to write it out because it makes me feel better. It makes the crazy dissipate for a moment and a cloud of serenity shines through momentarily. There is nothing wrong. I can not pinpoint a problem or issue except for the fact that my mind is racing. I wake up panicked and it isn't just weekdays, it is every day. I wake up with a shudder. A thump of emotion that can throw the whole day off-course.

Idle time has always been my downfall. I need to be mentally stimulated all the time or else, I sort of lose who I am. I lose a sense of purpose and when that goes. I don't know what to do. I feel overwhelmed and underwhelmed all at the same time. I need a spark. I need a fire in my belly to make me feel as if I am doing more or being more. Some people can sit and watch tv and be completely ok but for me, I just feel as if I am not doing enough.

But, the issue with that is...will there ever be enough? What propels me to "happy?" What is "happy" for me? I don't know. Don't get me wrong...I am not sad. I am just trapped within my own skin at the moment and trying to work through it. I need a break from me.

Please don't think that I am complaining or that somehow my life is not fair. That isn't it. I am just in a rough patch and more so, a rough patch in which there is no explanation. It will get better and I will be fine but in the mean time, I feel stuck.

11 comments:

Patricia said...

Very well said. This post explains what I feel, too.

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deathlydee said...

Stuck@7,
I found your posts by looking up 'i need constant mental stimulation'
You were the only link that wasnt talking about animal behaviour (haha)
for months I haven't understood why a lapse in focus could send me into a mental spiral of confusion. I couldn't look up anything on it, because it was too vague and not labelled.
your last few lines about 'what is happy?" has plagued me for weeks.
I thought Simple minded= happy.
has it always been like this?
That you rebel mental stagnation?
I want to hear from you.
take care.
Dee

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