Sunday, May 15, 2011

"...leave a light on for me..."

In life, we all go through transitional phases. Times in which we move on or move forward or just change for some reason. I don't know what I am going through but I am over it. I just feel anxiety all the time. It is like a constant tremor under the surface of my fragile skin. Slowly quaking and waiting for an outburst.

I feel it and try to control it and try to maintain my thoughts but for some reason, I can't focus. I can't keep my mind and body connected. It's weird because this is nothing new for me but it has been dormant for quite a while and it has come back to humble me yet again.

It's bad because I do not want to harp on the subject like there is something seriously wrong but I need to write it out because it makes me feel better. It makes the crazy dissipate for a moment and a cloud of serenity shines through momentarily. There is nothing wrong. I can not pinpoint a problem or issue except for the fact that my mind is racing. I wake up panicked and it isn't just weekdays, it is every day. I wake up with a shudder. A thump of emotion that can throw the whole day off-course.

Idle time has always been my downfall. I need to be mentally stimulated all the time or else, I sort of lose who I am. I lose a sense of purpose and when that goes. I don't know what to do. I feel overwhelmed and underwhelmed all at the same time. I need a spark. I need a fire in my belly to make me feel as if I am doing more or being more. Some people can sit and watch tv and be completely ok but for me, I just feel as if I am not doing enough.

But, the issue with that is...will there ever be enough? What propels me to "happy?" What is "happy" for me? I don't know. Don't get me wrong...I am not sad. I am just trapped within my own skin at the moment and trying to work through it. I need a break from me.

Please don't think that I am complaining or that somehow my life is not fair. That isn't it. I am just in a rough patch and more so, a rough patch in which there is no explanation. It will get better and I will be fine but in the mean time, I feel stuck.

Sunday, May 1, 2011

"...I've been confused, out of my mind lately..."

I have completely lost my mind lately. I have reverted back to my old ways of crazy and I don't know why. For those who suffer from anxiety, you know how it can creep up at any time. The anxious past that you think you have moved on from resurfaces and overwhelms you in a new way. That is where I live today.

I try to breathe deeply, I try to close my eyes and calm myself but nothing is working. I will be ok, I know that much but it is the "in-between" time that is killer. ARGH! Many people may think that someone should post about it or whatever but I don't care. I know enough people to know that I am not in the minority when it comes to panic attacks. It is such a debilitating feeling. If you have never had one than you will never know and I would never wish it on my worst enemy.

Anyways, moving on from the mental breakdown. Let's talk about my most recent trip! So, over the long Easter weekend, I made my way down to Melbourne and set out to drive the Great Ocean Road all the way to Adelaide in South Australia.

It was a good time full of awkward car conversation, random accommodations and awesome scenery. From Melbourne, where I realized that I have a horrible fear of roundabouts, we drove to Port Campbell and stayed in a lovely little place in which we only had three walls to the room. Long story - don't ask! Then, we went to see the "12 Apostles" and drove all the way to Mount Gambier, South Australia. Soon after passing the border, we saw a mob of kangaroos running around and tried to get a picture but no luck! Our trip ended with me speeding like a demon through Adelaide striving to get to the airport on time! Made it with about 25 minutes to spare.

All in all, it was a great, little road trip and I wish it could have lasted longer. Australia has such unique terrain and beautiful places to see that I cannot wait for my next, random adventure in June!

(Port Campbell, Victoria, Australia)

(At the Loch Arg Gorge on the Great Ocean Road)

(Blue Lake, Mount Gambier, South Australia)

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