Monday, February 21, 2011

"...yeah, I think that I might break, I've lost myself again and I feel unsafe..."

Have you ever just been sitting around and longed for that feeling of security? The moment in which your world and the crazy in it stops and you just feel safe. The people, the places, the situations all make sense and for once your heart and head rest worry free because life makes sense. Is this something that people find? Is this something that I'll find?

I've never considered myself to be one of those "jumping for joy" people in which I always see the bright side because I don't but lately, I have become a ball of negativity. I feel a range of emotions that I normally don't and it is making me insane. However, at the same time, maybe it is making me a better person. For so long, I feel like I just existed. People noticed me but no one cared to know me or more so, I didn't care to let people know me. I sacrificed so much of my being to make others happy or to do "the right thing" and ultimately, I lost myself. I find myself pulling away a bit lately and my thoughts remain unfocused because I just feel transitional. Life is a constant journey and sometimes we shed the skin of the past and maybe that is where I am at the moment.

I'm not playing up some sort of depression or melancholy because that isn't it. I'm not sad. I'm just pondering life yet again. When I stop pondering is when I will know that something is wrong with me. In those moments of bliss and happiness, we don't often grow because that moment is so great that we relish it and want to hold onto it forever but when we are low or when life has pushed us to a depth that we didn't know we could go to, we search for a way back out and we grow and become better at adapting to the world around us. Those tough times define us. Those tough times lead us back into the world with a stronger suit of armor.

I'm ready to wake up in a good mood. And I can honestly say, I've been waiting all my life for that.

Monday, February 14, 2011

"...never made agreements, just like a gypsy and I won't back down 'cause life's already bit me..."

I have to be honest, this past month has been amazing and difficult all at once. I have had some amazing adventures: Enjoying Australia Day on a boat in the harbour for hours on end, visiting the Featherdale Wildlife Park and seeing all of the native, Australian animals up close and just enjoying some simple nights out. However, it has also been tough. I have been sick, tired, anxious and every combo of crazy that one can imagine. I am on the mend but I have been out of it.

The good news is that my journey of crazy creativity will continue as I signed up for my stand up comedy class and that begins in two weeks. I am not freaked out yet but I will be. People can think what they want but for my entire life, I have always liked telling stories and making people laugh and most times, I get a positive response. It is always awkward when I accidentally mention a midget or call someone's Mother a whore but for the most part, I don't mean it.

Apparently, the final performance is taped and I can post it online. If it is good, you will see it. If it is bad, will see it. I have no shame. I am sure that on some level my family should be nervous because I draw most of my influence from them, so we will see if I am shunned.

(Australia Day boat dancing - I look demonic.)

(Featherdale Wildlife Park - I didn't know they were making faces behind me.)

(A koala loves me.)

(Aussie Aussie Aussie! Oi Oi Oi! January 26th rolled around and along with it came Australia Day!)

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