Wednesday, June 23, 2010

"...keep on rolling like a stone, 'cause it's gonna be a long long way to happy..."

Blaahhhhhhhh. Since I have returned to Australia, I have been sick. Now, I like to complain. I am good at it. But, I have been legitimately sick and I finally broke down and went to the doctor. Diagnosis - Pink Eye! In both eyes! Or, as those with intelligence call it, Conjunctivitis! Awesome. Eyes coated over and a fever. I have not been to the gym or even showered all that much. Yes, I said it. I am avoiding showering. I just don't feel like it. Don't judge me. It is hard to be blind and engulfed in water. Lots of hazard and logistics going on there. Hopefully I did not contaminate any of my co-workers. That would not be good and I actually like them, so I wouldn't want to get them sick!

The doctor has forced me into exile for tomorrow. So, I am going to stay at home and wallow in misery. Again, wallowing and misery, both things that I am good at doing. But, I am over it. I will be upset if I am forced to miss my class tomorrow night. I enjoy it and need some break from sick-ville but we will see.

Ok, it is about 3:30am and I am wide awake! I need to pass out soon.

Friday, June 18, 2010

"...thoughts meander like a restless wind inside a letter box..."

After my quick trip home, I am back in Australia and in an unsurprising turn of events, I am sick. I am sick here way too much for my liking. I can count three times since January in which I have been really bad off and I don't know why that is. Today, for the first time in a long time, I actually took a "sick day" from work.

I hate taking "sick days" because I do not like to appear weak or like a slacker but today, I knew I wasn't able to make it. I slept almost the entire day and I do feel better right now but I am not going to jinx it.

I should have known that I was getting sick because I have been really negative in my thoughts this week too. I always think that I am not good enough, on every level and it drives me insane. How do you break that hurdle? What happens when one day, you are ok with you and your place in the world? I will never be the best at anything but even if I were, would I even recognize it because I am so negative?

I try to remind myself to be grateful for what I do have as opposed to dwelling on what I don't have. Easy concept. Tough in practice. I think that once we achieve something in life, we quickly move on to a new goal or a new aspiration because why sit around and be happy! Where is the fun in that?

I don't know but I hope that I am on the mend for tonight and I am going to have to start tricking my mind into being more positive. I go negative way too often and it is ingrained into me. I always feel like there is something more. Something more within me and I can't find the right way to channel it and that makes me go negative. I feel as if there is some potential being wasted. Ok, enough of that. Time for some flu medicine and a nap.

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

"...lightning strikes, inside my chest to keep me up at night..."

So, you hop a plane or three for 24 hours and you arrive back to the place where you began. You've seen much more of the world than you could have ever imagined but instantly, you are transported back to the home that made you. It feels good but weird. But with me, everything is weird.

I was talking to my Mom about how I have a hard time remembering the past. Not in a delusional sense where I don't acknowledge it but in the sense that I just feel like I have evolved beyond it to the point where I can't mentally cope with it. See, I warned you about the weirdness.

This has been a good visit. I just get very thrown off when I have no routine, even for a short time. I start to mentally turn into mush. I feel insecurities creep up and I become very self loathing. It's bad.

Good news is, I have had cake, Dr. Pepper, Wendy's, Whataburger, and tons of other foods that I wanted. The bad news is, I am going to have to run like a fool at the gym upon returning to Sydney. I still have fried okra on the list which is today's plan. Yes, my daily plan revolves around food.

For now, I will go and ponder life more as I have no sleep schedule. Oh well.

(Scrap and Andrew)

(At least I have a good personality.)

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