Saturday, March 7, 2009

"...I know that I've got issues but you're pretty messed up too..."

Here's an image for you. A toothless, drunk, aboriginal woman with a plethora of facial hair is put on a jumbo-tron tv screen over a crowd of thousands. She proceeds to yell and scream obscenities and then, wait for it, she lifts up her shirt to reveal her mammary glands. I call them mammary glands because at this point they were no longer breasts. They hung so low to the ground that I wondered if she had single handedly kept the children of Ethiopia fed. Welcome to Mardi Gras in Sydney! Here's the deal, nothing about this event was like Mardi Gras in the States except the name. There were no real floats, no beads, and definitely no candy or moon pies thrown at me. What I did see were several people with little clothing, a wide variety of he-shes, and Joan Rivers. Now, Joan Rivers was the Grand Marshall and she looked like an animatronic character at Disney. I would bet decent money that that woman has only about 3% of her original face left. The parade perplexed me because it was just groups of people walking past. Some were on make shift floats but nothing intricate or extreme like we would have. It also lasted way too long. At the one hour mark, it was wearing thin and at the three hour mark, I was done. One of the floats was about bondage because hey, some people like to have the piss beat out of them! The float had a naked man and woman being beaten by people in masks. Fun for the whole family! One of the more enchanting moments was when in the distance I saw a woman holding a sign that said "Girls Without Vaginas" and for about 15 seconds, I thought, "Wow, I wonder what happened to her vagina?" And then, some common sense came rushing in and I realized that she never had one! Silly me! The night only got better once I got on my train home and the guy in the row next to me decided to go into convulsions and begin projectile vomiting across the train. He was making noises as if someone were performing an exorcism on him. It was disgusting. Ultimately, however, Australia is all about experiences and forcing myself to see some new things and well, I have. Now, I need to go shower and pray. Twice.



(In the middle of the crowd)


(People lined up along the parade route)

9 comments:

polymorph said...

heya... i'm that girl without a vagina :D
just thought i'd say hi, i'm flattered it took you so long to figure it out :P

- Edmund - said...

Haha, uhh ok. Cool. You're welcome.

Rachael said...

HA. Oh dear God. You always have the craziest adventures I swear. I'm sorry you have to endure them but I SO love reading about them. Have fun (but stay safe)!!! By the way, what fun is "mardi gras" without the moon pies??

IamNotaSecretary said...

I am stuck in an airport in the completely unimpressive town of Fort Lauderdale. How appropriate! Please pardon the spelling and/or capitalization mistakes. On the cruise, we had some Australian people on board. Why do they say they ''studied at university'' and we say that we went TO a specific college or university, or just that we went to college. Is it not important for them to describe where they went to school? Just one of those differences I suppose.


Oh and the wedding was amazing and I really wish you could have been there! Also, did you hear there are killer whales in the gulf? Where have I been? I think we hit a few of them on the way to the Caribbean.

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