Sunday, December 15, 2013

Two Wrongs Don't Make Me Write.

I go through phases. Sometimes, I write. Sometimes, I wrong. Lately, I have been wronging it. I think for anyone that uses writing as a creative outlet, you just lose it sometimes. The writing seems to wander off down a track of self loathing, frustration and mild, metaphoric alcohol abuse and then suddenly, like Chris Brown's career, it gets back in gear for no apparent reason. And, once it is back in gear, it's like a rehab for the soul. 

(This girl above knows what it is like to "Sometimes" lose your way!)

Me, however, I am still somewhere meandering down a path trying to find my way. I just lost the inspiration. After writing my first-ever, non-award winning, non-best seller, [while awkwardly aiming for ten], I relentlessly attempted to get it in the hands of reviewers and people that could give it exposure. It worked a bit. I sold way more than I intended to (I intended on selling 3 - to my mom) and I got some decent reviews. I got some bad ones, too but hey, you can't please everyone. Right, Kanye?

(Kanye knows how to screw up a sequel! I prefer the original Bound with Gina Gershon and Jennifer Tilly!)

Nonetheless, I am writing this post as a promise to myself to get back into the swing of things in 2014. I have jotted down some notes and begun a few stories for, what critics are calling, "an equally lackluster attempt at writing a second book!" So, keep your eyes peeled! And, if you have a friend or relative with a bit of a twisted sense of humor, check out my book here and give them the Christmas gift that keeps on giving. Until they finish it or throw it away! 

Tuesday, September 10, 2013

Shut Up and Drive

So, I broke up with blogging for a month or so because I was feeling stifled. As you all know, I have been promoting my book, " [while awkwardly aiming for ten]"and it's really hard. You sift through pages and pages of potential contacts, reach out to people and nada. No response - nothing! So, it can be a bit hum-drum after a while, but I am back. Kind of. Sort of. Maybe.

In other news though, last weekend I decided to make a trek up to Newcastle. About 2-3 hours north of Sydney, it was a welcomed break from the hustle and bustle of the city and I needed to see something new. More so, I needed to drive. For almost 5 years now, I have been car-less. For many reasons, that's a good thing. Firstly, the environment - secondly, the cost and expense - and third, drunk stumbling home is much more fun than being stupid behind a wheel. 

Anyways, driving on the opposite side of the road is hard. And, really effin' scary. I have done it before but I don't do it often and being stuck in the middle of Sydney traffic with cars whizzing all around was a bit too much. Per usual, I did request for Jesus to take the wheel but He did not conjure up quick enough and I had to bob and weave my way back home through a sea of middle fingers and people screaming the C-word at me through their windows. 

During my time in Newcastle, I stumbled upon a massive beach full of sand dunes and decided to do a little sand boarding because I am such a fit, active, sporty kind of person. In reality, I was choking on sand and moments away from an asthma-induced airlift. Fortunately for me (and you), I edited the end of the video above where things get extra bouncy and my usually under wraps man boobs get a little extra camera time. 

So, that's that.  I had a mini-escape and that was that.  Now, I need to plan my next adventure (possibly to a gym to lose the teats) and see where I go. And, if you are one of the over 35 million people who have yet to read my book, please check it out here! Or, go and leave on a review on Amazon - your support is appreciated!

Wednesday, July 24, 2013

Piper? I Barely Even Know Her!

Now, since I am a non-award-winning author of the awkwardly intriguing book, [while awkwardly aiming for ten] - which you should check out if you haven't yet - I have had the privilege of meeting and getting to know many other authors. People, just like me (but drastically different), who have put their literary hearts on their sleeves and written about their triumphs, tribulations and everything in between. In an effort to help cross-promote the works of these fine people and myself, I've offered up a little, 7 question interview to display their works, quirks and share their literary prowess with the world.

One of those whom I have been lucky enough to get to know - and the willing first interviewee - is the Southern Belle-in-disguise, Piper Faust. Through her debut book, Idiots I've Seen Naked (available now on Amazon!), Piper weaves a tale of long-standing dating life inappropriateness through the book's main character Ava Grace McCrory. We follow Ava - which oddly enough is my mother's name and makes the book even that more inappropriate for me - through her dating (and bedroom) ups-and-downs and the men who stole her heart and then refuse to give it back.

I think my 5 star review on Amazon pretty much sums up how I feel about this book, and how I imagine many others would too. 

"I need to make a couple of things clear: First, I am not an avid reader and second, I do not have a vagina, but neither stopped me from thoroughly enjoying this book. From the sexcapades with some less than loveable characters to the witty one liners and colorful, well-crafted phrases, this book - like Jesus - took the wheel and drove me all the way home. I really did enjoy it and I think anyone would find more than a few laughs along the way. Well done!"

So, with all that out of the way - check out my 7 Questions with Piper Faust that I have creatively titled, "Piper? I Barely Even Know Her!"

1. Tell me more about the inspiration behind your first-ever book, Idiots I've Seen Naked?

Somewhere between receiving a $9.99 hounds-tooth umbrella for Valentines (WITH THE PRICE TAG STILL ATTACHED) and having a guy tell me he wants his excess testicle skin made into a pouch that his future grandchildren can collect arrowheads in, I decided God had to be sending these idiots into my life for a reason!  Why continue to deprive the world of such high quality entertainment?  

2. If you were Ava (the book's main character) which main male character would you go running back to?

I’m tempted to say all three!  Different nights, of course, and for completely different reasons. If you’re limiting me to just one idiot though, it would definitely be Briley Mason! It’s his animal-themed boxers that keep me coming back.  It’s hard to say no to a chicken dribbling a basketball!    

3. Do you plan on writing more - perhaps a sequel in which Ava finds one naked idiot to spend the rest her life with?

One naked idiot for Ava to spend her life with? Not just yet! Ava’s gonna need major therapy and a serious bikini wax before she’s ready to engage in conversation with a member of the opposite sex.  

4. What is the best part about knowing people are reading your words?

Having the opportunity to make my mess my message…an amusing little cautionary tale for anyone who’s about to make the mistake of loving an idiot, a douchebag, or a selfish jerk who’s eat up with dumbass!     

5. What is your favorite cuss word and why?

Bastige!  Not exactly a cuss word, but it still conveys the general consensus of my emotions while allowing me to maintain my dignity as a Southern Belle. 

6. How long did it take you to write this book?

Six months just working on it here and there.  I had already decided to write the book but was having trouble getting started.  One night, I was in the floor of my guest bathroom closet under a pile of pillows and blankets waiting on the tornado sirens to stop going off when I had a moment of literary inspiration!  I was about to be blown away by a Category 4 natural disaster, but, by golly, I was ready to start on my book!  So I whipped my phone out and started texting myself the first lines of my book…and here we are!  

7. If Piper Faust could have one superpower what would it be and why?

Initially, I was thinking I’d like to be invisible so I could go around spying on all my crushes and ex-men, but then with my obsessive compulsive issues, I’m afraid my spy tactics could get a bit addictive.  I’d never get anything accomplished because I’d be too busy spying on losers.  So, I’m pretty sure being able to read men’s thoughts on demand would be the next best superpower! 

So, that wraps it up - quicker than most of the guys in Piper's book! If you know what I mean (and I think you do)! Thanks to Piper Faust for letting me interview her and be sure to check out Idiots I've Seen Naked - which at .99 cents for the Kindle version is a steal! Also, get on board to Twitter and check out her musings there too!

Monday, July 15, 2013

Let's Talk About Sex...

I don't know about you, but when I look at the picture above - I instantly think of sex. Raw, wild, unyielding fornication. I'm talking about slam your hand against the table and beg for the serenity of the sweet baby Jesus kind of humping. "Why?" you ask. Well, for those of you who don't know...this is Dr. Sue Johanson and she, single-handedly (potential pun intended) taught me about the birds, bees and all the nasty things they could do to each other through her classic television shows "Talk Sex" and "The Sunday Night Sex Show".

(Spoiler Alert: That a'int no popsicle!)

I first came to know Sue when I went to Toronto with my aunt and uncle on a vacation. We were in the hotel room and they flicked on the tv, expecting a quiet, mundane American sitcom dubbed in a Canadian accent. What we found was very different. Emblazoned across the screen, we saw an elderly woman with a dildo strapped to her chin explaining the "ins and outs" (pun blatantly intended) of lesbian intercourse. 

In shock, my aunt and uncle turned off the tv and we all went to sleep. But, in that moment, I knew I had a new found friend in Dr. Sue. Upon coming home and internet stalking her like mad, I realized that her little, Canadian chat show had been picked up by everyone's favorite American television network, Oxygen. Why? Because it was breathing fresh air into my life! No, because Oxygen was a "channel for women" and women are perverts. It's been documented - just do your research.

(Sue explaining some proper techniques on knitting or crocheting or something like that, I'm sure.)

My favorite segment of Sue's shows was when she took viewer's calls. Whenever the viewer used a crass term for a sexual act, Sue would give a gentle laugh and then explain the medical term in graphic detail. So graphic that I would turn the volume down really low and listen for Mom's footsteps. The last thing I needed was my mom getting some ideas and trying to go make me another sibling! 

(Sue performing her rendition of The Bee Gee's classic, "How Deep is your Love?")

I randomly remembered Sue the other day and the countless hours of joy and educational porn that she brought me. Upon wikipedia'ing her for an update, I learned that she is now 83 years young and still going on tour giving presentations about all sorts of "beasts with two backs" behaviors, and I salute her. If it weren't for Dr. Sue Johanson - I'd still giggle like a pre-pubescent girl every time someone said, "cunnilingus". Oh, wait...


Want to check out something even more awkward than this post? Check out my first ever book, [while awkwardly aiming for ten]!

Thursday, July 4, 2013

A Snowden's Chance in Hell

Since today is the 4th of July and the 237th birthday of our dear, sweet US of A, I thought I would weigh in on the hailstorm that is Edward Snowden. 

So, good ol' Eddie boy has taken it upon himself to "expose" the U.S. and the dirty practices that go on behind the scenes in which they may be listening to our calls, checking our emails and, Lord forbid, perusing our sexting. Well, here's a newsflash, those f*ckers have always done that! And, so has every other government that has ever existed. Haven't you been watching "Game of Thrones"? In the old days, they used those damn, scary-eyed crows to tattle-tale on everyone! It's the government - it's what they do! They get all up in our business, annoy the piss out of us and then raise our taxes to fund new ways of aggravating us. So, calm down!

(In other words, shut the F up!)

Does he really think he has concocted some genius plan or stumbled into a new way of thinking? Surely not! What he has done is throw away a house in Hawaii and a job in which he was making between $140-200k a year for an uncomfortable airport lounge in Moscow with his greatest hope being that he gets asylum in Bolivia! Now - how am I supposed to support somebody that stupid?

(Welcome to Bolivia, my little gringo! I hope you brought a flute and alpaca.)

I am starting to think that this and the whole WikiLeaks fiasco is more about celebrity and propaganda than it is about actual, tangible knowledge being shared with the masses. While I don't feel that we should remain dumb to the ways of the world, there are some things that are best left unknown because when they are learned - others may use it against us. And, that makes an already tumultuous world all the more scary.

In short, we live in an age of extreme terrorism in which transactions, communications and ideas are shared across the world wide web. No one is safe or immune to its reaches - so, if the government wants to stalk my internet usage, my phone calls or anything else - feel free, because you will have the most boring job in the world, but I'll salute you every step of the way. 

(Julian Assange? Or, a more feminine version of actress Tilda Swinton?)

Oh, and Edward...I hear there is a great apple pie store near the Kremlin, you should go there for a slice and to celebrate this day of independence. Errrr, my bad! Well, maybe you can enjoy some beef stroganoff and some vodka. Yeah, that's it! Lots and lots of vodka, that's what I'd be drinking in your situation.

Edward Snowden is stuck (ie, f*cked) but you don't have to be - you could be laughing your way through my first-ever book by clicking here!

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